Don't Fucking Stay Here

Tip #13: Wait your turn.

iaintlying — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 17:34:47 +0000

I only see one person working here, which means there is only one line. Don’t cut. I’m not going to fucking help you. I really don’t care what you have to say. I’m just going to ignore you until it’s your turn. No bitch, you ain’t more important than anyone else, so walk your ass to the back of the line and wait your god damn turn.

Tip#12: Learn how to operate a bathroom.

dontfuckingstayhere — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 19:29:15 +0000

At some in your life you will need to venture out into the world without someone holding your hand. Please don’t make me your first stop. I really don’t have time to teach you how to operate the bath tub. If you turned it on I’m sure you can figure out how to turn it off. If not…..well, you’re retarded.

Tip #11: Don’t tell a whore you’re a fucking NFL player to try to get some ass.

dontfuckingstayhere — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 20:47:58 +0000

When you leave the hotel to go hunt down some pussy, please take your pride with you. Don’t go to a bar and pick up on skanks by telling them that you play for an NFL team. For one thing, you look nothing like a football player. You are fucking 5 feet 8 inches tall and you’re fucking old as cheese. Not to mention you don’t appear to be in stellar shape, dickwad. Should you find someone gullible enough to believe this load of shit, please do not bring her back here to play strange sexual games while taking pictures of it. When she sobers up enough to realize that she just fucked an unattractive middle-aged man who does not play in the NFL, she is going to fucking run out of your room faster than you can say “the clap”. Leaving so quickly, she will forget about her belongings, which the next day becomes an annoyance to me. She will call the hotel numerous times trying to get a hold of you so she can get back her camera which she “uses to feed her babies”….WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT DID YOU BRING BACK AND FUCK?! After dodging all 15 of her calls, you finally decide you will leave her camera at the front desk for her to pick up…like I even want to touch that shit after last nights escapades. Thanks for making me deal with your unattractive hooker and her walk of shame the next morning…you FUCKING COWARD.

PS-I hope your dick falls off when you get home.

Tip #10: Under no circumstances is ever okay to fucking prank call me.

dontfuckingstayhere — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:41:49 +0000

Ummmmmm…..I mean…….you’re, like, 65…..why are you calling me and saying gross shit to me like you’re 12?

I mean…it’s a little weird you think I’m pretty even though you have never seen me but I’m a conceited little bitch so I’ll go with it. I draw the fucking line though at wanting to know what you would do to me.

The shitty thing is you seemed like a nice guy when I answered the phone. I would have been willing to just sit and shoot the shit with you for awhile but then you whipped out the word “horny” and I’m just not into people who describe themselves as “horny.” I fucking hate that word.

Once I have hung up the phone…don’t fucking call back. It’s really not awesome to hear you breathe into the phone.

Tip #9: If I fucking ask for your credit card then fucking give it to me.

dontfuckingstayhere — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 17:52:06 +0000

Listen you stupid-ass motherfucker. If I ask your for you god damn credit card, then just fucking give it to me. I really don’t give a flying fuck what other hotels or motels let you do. At this establishment, we require an imprint of your credit card for security purposes. It’s not that I think you are using someone else’s credit card. We don’t think you are a theif, a fraud, a sleezy-ass motherfucker. It’s simply something this company requires so please don’t make my day harder by arguing with me that you stay all over the world and we are the only place that makes you give us your credit card.

That also goes for your identification. Do you understand what the stastics for identity theft are? 9.3 million Americans are victims of identity theft each year. It could ruin your credit. You could have hard time getting a loan. Those little fuckers could wipe out your credit cards AND your bank accounts. Given all of that information, do you really want to keep arguing about why I am carding you? I’m obviously the only one looking out for your well being. You are doing a right shitty job of it. I’m potentially saving your marriage you little fuck. You should be thanking me. Go fuck yourself.

Tip #8: Don’t fucking speak German to me.

dontfuckingstayhere — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 14:47:19 +0000

I don’t know German, never did, and never will. Please stop repeating yourself over and over in German because I cannot understand a fucking thing you are saying. Acting it out doesn’t help either. Come back with someone who at least knows 5 words in English and I may be able to help you.

Tip # 7: Don’t fucking ask me where you can stroke your schlong.

dontfuckingstayhere — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 02:10:45 +0000

If you are a lonely middle-aged man who is supposed to be in town spending time with your grown kids and grandchildren, please don’t sneak away from them in a fit of horny rage to ask COMPLETE strangers where you can go rub one out! I don’t know where there are gay bars with “back rooms” where you can pull a curtain and pleasure yourself you sick fuck! How sad and horny are you to be asking numerous strangers about this? The cab driver didn’t have the answer, so you thought I might? YOU SICK FUCK!

Also, I have no interest in hearing about your friend who recommended our hotel to you and I also don’t care about how much of a man slut he is or how much he loves penis. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!

Do your kids (who you should be visiting) know where you are and what you are doing? I hope they catch you whacking off in a bush somewhere and disown you.

Hopefully my expression, which looked something like this :/ was a big enough hint to you that discussing your erotic fantasies with me or anyone else you don’t know is completely unacceptable.

Now please take your tissue back to wherever you came from wrestle the one-eyed snake in private. FUCKING SICKO.

Tip #6: Please use your fucking inside voice.

iaintlying — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 00:37:26 +0000

Not only can I no longer hear but I’m wearing most of your saliva. I appreciate your enthusiasm (not really) but I can understand you better when you talk lower. And just because you talk loud doesn’t mean you can talk over me. Shut the fuck up.

Tip #5: Don’t be fucking stupid.

dontfuckingstayhere — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:36:30 +0000

Did you really just ask me where the front door of the hotel was? If you are that stupid you shouldn’t be traveling. At all.

Tip #4: Don’t be in such a fucking rush, Speedy Gonzales!

dontfuckingstayhere — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:35:56 +0000

Stop cutting me off. Stop trying to walk away. Stop acting like you have been standing here for 2 hours when it’s actually been a whopping 30 seconds. I am trying to tell you all of the information you need to know about the hotel so fucking sit here and listen to it. Most importantly, don’t act like you already know everything because you will be the same fucking person calling me in 45 minutes. Where is breakfast? Where is the work-out room? Is there a bar in the hotel? The elevator is broken. No, homie, the elevator isn’t broken. It wouldn’t fucking take you anywhere because you didn’t know you had to use your keys for it because you ran away from me like you were prairie dogging when I was in the middle of trying to tell you that!

On another note…for those of you who ask too many damn questions…SHUTTHEFUCKUP!!! If you let me finish, I’m pretty sure I will save you the breathe and spare you a few words from your daily word quota. I was just about to tell you where the fitness center is, where breakfast is, and at what time breakfast is. But! You are so god damn concerned with not-shutting-the-fuck-up that you are fucking up my flow. Oh…and we don’t serve eggs.

Please stop scarfing cookies down your throat and leaving crumbs all over the counter, fuck nut.