Tip #11: Don’t tell a whore you’re a fucking NFL player to try to get some ass.

When you leave the hotel to go hunt down some pussy, please take your pride with you.  Don’t go to a bar and pick up on skanks by telling them that you play for an NFL team.  For one thing, you look nothing like a football player.  You are fucking 5 feet 8 inches tall and you’re fucking old as cheese.  Not to mention you don’t appear to be in stellar shape, dickwad.  Should you find someone gullible enough to believe this load of shit, please do not bring her back here to play strange sexual games while taking pictures of it.  When she sobers up enough to realize that she just fucked an unattractive middle-aged man who does not play in the NFL, she is going to fucking run out of your room faster than you can say “the clap”.  Leaving so quickly, she will forget about her belongings, which the next day becomes an annoyance to me.  She will call the hotel numerous times trying to get a hold of you so she can get back her camera which she “uses to feed her babies”….WHAT THE HELL?!  WHAT DID YOU BRING BACK AND FUCK?!  After dodging all 15 of her calls, you finally decide you will leave her camera at the front desk for her to pick up…like I even want to touch that shit after last nights escapades.  Thanks for making me deal with your unattractive hooker and her walk of shame the next morning…you FUCKING COWARD.

PS-I hope your dick falls off when you get home.